Do you feel you just dont ‘fit in?

So often through my coaching I hear people claim that they struggle to ‘fit in’.

I also felt this way many years ago, so I understand this from experience.  Having studied Coaching and NLP, I now understand this in more depth and I thought I would share it with you.

Think about what ‘fitting in’ means to you.  What is it that you feel is missing? How do you know you don’t fit it? How would you know if you did fit in? What would be different? How would you feel?  What would you hear? What would you see?

The truth is, there is nowhere for you to ‘fit in’.  There is no key that unlocks that special place for you.  You are searching for something you will never find because there is no such place.

You see ‘not fitting in’, is something that you have created in your own mind, just as I did many years ago.  I didn’t believe I fitted in at school, at work, in later years when I had children, I didn’t feel I fitted in with other Mums at the schools.   When the befriended me and invited me out with them, I didn’t get why they wanted to be friends with me because in my head, I just didn’t fit in.

So there lies the key, it was all in my head!  No one else thought I didn’t fit in, they liked me, they included me, in fact I didn’t really have any enemies, most people generally ‘liked me’.  It was simply a belief, just as it is for you.

We are all unique, special, beings, we all have different needs, qualities, desires, talents, preferences and dreams, and so on and on.  So why do some of us have this misbelief that we do not ‘fit in’, where did it come from.

In NLP there is a period between the ages of one to seven which we refer to as the imprint age.  This is the period in life that we just absorb everything, we are like a sponge, we take in all that we hear, feel, smell, taste and it is embedded in our unconscious mind.  In later years this transmits into our behaviour  and beliefs. So somewhere way back in your child hood, you learned to believe that you ‘don’t fit in’, just as I did.

I remember when I was six years old, my mother insisted I had my hair cut short.  I didn’t want it cut, I hated it so much that I dreaded going to school the next day.  As you can probably imagine, I was laughed at and told I looked like a boy, amongst many other comments.  Even the Teacher made a joke at my expense, when calling my name from the register, I raised my hand, she said “you’re not Vicki, where is she”.  The whole class was looking at me and laughing aloud and I just wanted to run, run as far away from that school as I could.  But of course I couldn’t, I had to stay, and put up with the finger pointing and laughing all day and even the next day.  So that was where I decided that ‘I didn’t fit in’.  Of course, I had forgotten all about this until it came to the surface during practice through my NLP Training.

The good news is, if you have learned it, then you can unlearn it.  For many years I told myself “I don’t fit in”, if you keep telling yourself this, then like me, you won’t fit in anywhere.  So stop right now, don’t tell yourself this ever again.  You are listening to everything you say about yourself so ensure you tell yourself the good stuff like, “I am unique, special, and comfortable with who I am”.

No one fits in anywhere or needs to, we are all different, some people we get along with, others we don’t, it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with them or us, it just is what it is.

Think back to the time when you could have learned this mis-belief, it could have been after the imprint age, maybe you were bullied or picked on by your friends, siblings, maybe you heard a striking comment from your teachers, or even your parents, that lodged itself deep within your unconscious.

The next step is unlearning that belief, to start with stop comparing yourself to others, be happy being your unique self.  Stop saying to yourself and others “I don’t fit in”.  Every time you are about to think or say this, stop, shake yourself off, and  remind yourself that you don’t have to fit in anywhere, that you are special and unique just as everyone one else is.  Your unconscious mind believes everything you tell it to be something positive, something you want, so it is very important to start being aware of your self-talk and ensure it is working for you and not against you.

Keep practicing every day, it doesn’t take long to unlearn old behaviour that is not serving you well, but it does take practice

This is just the beginning, if you want to know more about how to overcome limiting beliefs and decisions that are holding you back, then visit my website for further information.

So my lovely unique reader, make a decision with yourself right now that being you is simply awesome!

Warmest wishes.






Self Belief

Many factors affecting self confidence are beyond our control but we alone are responsible for our thoughts and our self talk.

We can sabotage our lives with negative thoughts and negative beliefs.  How often have you not done something because you lacked self belief?  Or because you were worried what people would think.

No body else can make you feel anything about yourself only you control your mind and the unconscious mind does not accept negatives and will therefore accept everything you tell it as a positive.

Think about what you tell yourself over and over.   If you constantly tell yourself you won’t succeed or that you are fat or that you are useless then this is what you project outwardly.

You were not born with a lack of self confidence and negative beliefs, it was something you learned along the way and therefore you can unlearn it.

It may take a little time and practice but you can learn to master positive beliefs just as well as you mastered  negative beliefs.

  • Begin with monitoring your self talk and replace negatives with positives.  When you feel you won’t succeed, tell yourself you will, if you want to be slim, tell yourself you are slim, if you feel useless tell yourself you are brilliant and can achieve anything you desire.   If you concentrate on what you don’t want then you will get more of what you don’t want.  The law of attraction is very powerful so concentrate on what you want!
  • Use affirmations such as “I am unique, brilliant, fit and intelligent and no one can take this away from me” –  look in the mirror and repeat last thing at night and first thing in the morning
  • You can never know what anyone else is thinking about you so why try to imagine what they are thinking.  If you want to imagine what someone is thinking, then imagine they are thinking how brilliant you are, how fit you are and how confident you are.
  • When ever self doubt creeps in imagine what you would tell someone else who was in the exact same position.
  • Try visualization exercises and anchor a positive state of mind; close your eyes and see yourself confident, calm and in control.  See and feel and hear everything around you. Make the vision brighter and panoramic and when it is at its peak then gently squeeze your right earlobe or touch a knuckle.  You can then use this pressure point as an anchor when ever you want to recreate this state of mind.  The more you do this, the more you’ll find that you’ll quite naturally start to become like the confident you in the visualization.

Only you control you and when you start to believe in you then others will too!