Finding you!

 

It seems that a lot of people spend a great deal of their lives, searching for someone who will make them happy, complete their life and make them feel whole.  How many times have you heard someone refer to their partner as “My other half”?  So are they not whole with out that other person?

We all have a life to lead, but is the ultimate meaning to life to love, marry and have children.  There is so much more to life and it revolves around you, finding you, learning about you, learning about your qualities, your passions, your talents, and how to lead a fulfilling life.  Then, when someone does come into your life, you will enjoy getting to know them, enjoy learning about them and you will know if they are right for you and you may want to share a life with them, but they won’t become the sole purpose of ‘your life’.

The people who have found themselves and love themselves will not need someone in their life, they may want someone in their life, and this is the big difference.  Someone else cannot make you whole and happy.   Many people jump from relationship to relationship, looking for something they will never find, because what they are looking for is not out there.

If you are desperate to be in a relationship, once you do meet someone, you will be so focused on holding on to them; you won’t even notice or care if they are right for you. You will become obsessed and eventually end up pushing that person away, you will lose all rationale and when the relationship ends you will fall apart, and probably leap straight into another relationship.

On the other hand, the people who have found themselves, will be themselves in the relationship, they will still live their own life. If their relationship ends, they would feel the pain and be very sad, but it won’t take over their life, they will grieve and eventually move on, they won’t jump straight into another relationship, because they are still whole.

If you are single and desperate for someone in your life, ask yourself, What is missing within me? Do I love me? Have I achieved all that I want? Am I at peace within? Can someone else really give me what is missing?

These answers aren’t just on the surface, you will need to dig deep within and when you do, you will find the truth and then you will understand that no other person could ever give this to you.

If you are spending your valuable time and energy searching for happiness, stop right now!  Happiness is not out there, happiness is within.  We all have a life purpose and once you live this purpose, you will be fulfilled and at peace and no one will ever be able to take that away from you.  Once you are in this state, you will not be desperate for someone, you may like the idea of having someone special in your life, but not desperate, and when someone does come along, if they are not right, or it doesn’t last you will not be broken.

We are all individuals, we are all unique, we are all special beings with special gifts, and we are here to discover those gifts and to lead a fulfilled life.  If along this path you find someone to love then embrace it but don’t make your life path one of desperation for love.

Life is about finding you and loving you.  Stop doing and start being!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Take the Reins and Make the Change!

Through coaching I see many people who are staying in a place that brings them no pleasure, they feel trapped and spend their lives just going through the motions? For some it is their job, they dread Mondays and long for the weekends. For others it is their relationship, they know what to expect every evening and every weekend? All these people are waiting for something to happen, instead of making something happen.

Life is for living not for tolerating; if the above sounds familiar then it is time you realised that only you are in control of you, no one and nothing else. No one can make you feel anything unless you allow it, no one else can make you do something unless you let them. The only person responsible for your unhappy life is you! You can change the things that you are in control of to try and improve the situation, but sometimes you can’t change anything other than by moving on!

What usually happens is that people stay and continually moan and complain about their miserable life. How often have you thought of moving on and what stops you?

Some people see it as ‘walking away’ or ‘giving up’ this promotes feelings of guilt and angst and this is usually what prevents them from moving on.

Let’s reverse the situation. If your partner told you they had wanted to move on for the last year or so, how would you feel? If your boss told you he had never been impressed with your work how would you feel?

So, are you staying for them, or for you?

Consider your options, stay and be miserable or move on and be happy. If you are totally sure you have done all you can and you know you will be happier moving on then by staying you are doing no one any favours.

We all have fear of the unknown but it is what you do with that fear that will make a world of difference. You can never know what the future will bring so why fear something that may never happen? Stop that chatter of “what if”. This is you inventing a future.

The one question you do know the answer to is “What happens if I stay”?

Don’t ask others, look inside for the answer. Visualise yourself taking action, how does it feel? There is your answer. Once you take action, you will feel relieved, lighter and free. You will be motivated to make other changes, try new things; you will take back control of your life.

There will be times when doubt creeps in, and you wonder if you are doing the right thing, it is normal to first feel elated after making a major decision and to then question yourself. When this happens take your mind back to that moment when you took action, feel that initial elation and relief. You felt that way, because you knew you had done the right thing. Don’t ever lose site of that.

Concentrate on the future and on what you want. Don’t spend time dwelling on the past and what you don’t want. There will always be change through life, how you perceive those changes is what is important. Rather than see ‘endings’ see ‘new beginnings’, rather than see ‘walking away and giving up’ see completion.

One day you will sit back and wonder why you stayed in that place so long!

Overcoming Anxiety

Through your life there will have been times where you found yourself in situations where you have been nervous,  where you feel a little bit of fear rumbling inside, situations such as attending interviews, meeting new people, sitting exams, a driving test and many more.  Feeling a little apprehension and fear in certain situations is normal, however, you go ahead and soon the fear subsides. But what if that little bit of fear that is rumbling inside, does not subside, and soon becomes a volcano ready to explode, what do you do? How do you cope?

First of all, you need to understand that anxiety is not a condition that you were born with.   Anxiety is something that you alone are creating through your own thoughts.

If it all begins in your head, then you are in control of it, and if you are in control of it then you can overcome it.

When the body comes under stress, a message is sent to the brain and the body releases adrenaline into the bloodstream. This normal reaction stems from ‘caveman days’ when we were fighting for survival.   The nerves become more alert, preparing the body to fight or flee from the danger it is facing.  The heart rate increases, blood pressure rises and  breathing increases.  The mind becomes focused on the ‘danger’.   Nowa days you are not fighting off beasts for survival so how can you stop this fear from increasing to an anxiety attack.

Let’s assume you are going on a first date, you are getting ready, you  feel nervous,  you start to think about the person, you picture them in your head, you feel excited, you cant wait to meet them again,  you are all dressed up and ready to go, you feel good, you go out the door, you meet up and you have a great evening!

But what happens if before you get out of the door you start to have the “what if” thoughts.  This is where it all goes downhill and the little bit of  fear and excitment turns into anxiety.

You begin to play out scenarios in your head such as:

“What if he/she thinks I’m boring?”

“What if I can’t think of anything to say?”

“Whatif  he/she sees how nervous I am?”

“What if I start shaking?”

“What if we have nothing in common?”

“What if  he/she thinks I’m stupid?”

“What if he/she doesn’t want to see me again?”

What if this goes all wrong?”

“Oh god why did I do this”

By now the messages to the brain have the body preparing to fight off the biggest beast ever, you are sweating, breathing hard, shaking, heart pounding………..STOP you simply shout STOP in your head as loud as you can.  This stops all messages reaching the brain the pattern is stopped middway, the body stops reacting to the danger.  Now you start to tell yourself:

“Everything is ok”

“I am calm”

“I am confident”

“He/she will think I am great”

“This is going to be a great night”

You stop shaking, your breathing slows, your heart stops pounding, you cool down, and you take a big deep breath and blow all the fear away.

You created it and you dissolved it.

When ever a thought begins with ‘What if’, it is you worrying about a future event,  assuming an unpleasant out come, worrying about what could happen, but the truth is, you can never ever know what lies ahead,  so why waste that energy on worrying and bringing on anxiety.  The past is gone and you cant change it, the future is yet to be and you can never know what it holds, the only moment you truly have is now, enjoy it and embrace it and you will never suffer anxiety again.

You have the power within to take control of your thoughts, what you tell yourself over and over can have an immense affect on your life, ensure you are telling yourself the good stuff and not the bad stuff!

For more information see my website www.aaylifecoaching.com  its All About You!