How to Build Your Self Esteem

You know all those negative remarks you have continuously heard all your life, something like,  ‘you are a total idiot’, ‘you are useless, ‘you can’t do anything right’, ‘you will never get anywhere in this life’, and so on and so on.   They are all stored at an unconscious level, and have become part of the makeup of your self- belief.

You may have been criticised negatively, but from endearment, for instance by your parents and siblings, they didn’t necessarily mean you any harm.  You could have had others criticise you negatively, to get a laugh at your expense, or from jealousy, fear, hurt, hate, guilt,  to name a few.

You started to believe all the negative comments you were hearing about yourself and with every negative remark you took on board, your self-esteem decreased.  You became more introverted and self conscious.  You even started to admit to yourself that you are ‘useless’ and an ‘idiot’ and’ can’t do anything right’.  You start to feel de-motivated and believe that you will never amount to much!

Well I have some good news that I am going to share with you!

You will hear criticism throughout your life, simply because you cannot determine or prevent what someone else is going to say or think about you, because this is out of your control.  The only thing in this world that you do have total control over is YOU!

From now on remember this phrase…

What anyone else thinks is none of my business”!

You had a choice and you chose to take the criticism on board.  There are some people that hear exactly the same stuff; however they choose not to believe it and to let it go, their self-esteem is intact. The only difference is they chose a different option.

You see, life is all about choices, you have control over you, no one else.  So make the choice right now, to let go of all those negative comments that you have been holding on to.  Make a promise to YOU right now that you will never again allow negative criticism ‘IN’ and that instead you will ‘LET IT GO’.

Start looking at yourself in a new fresh way, embrace all of your good points, your strengths, your gifts, your talents, love you and accept you.  Let go of all the negativity that has been holding you back; it is time to build your self-belief and to send your Self-Esteem shooting skywards.

It was  you who allowed it to be taken away and only you can bring it back.  Stop listening to that negative voice in your head; instead listen to the positive one that has been struggling for years to be heard.

Step 1. Let go of Negativity:

The next time someone criticises you negatively, visualise slamming the biggest heaviest wooden door and shutting it out!    If you get criticised, you don’t have to argue or fight, you just simply ‘let it go’.  You slam the door, and praise yourself.  Let go of those negative comments.  Remember, what anyone else thinks is none of your business.  Choose to remain positive; to see your value and to love you!

Step 2.   Increase your Self-Belief:

Remember the only thing you have total control over is you.  Don’t concern yourself with happenings that are out of your control.  If you judge yourself badly then you will project this, you must ensure that you remain positive.  Make a list of all of your attributes, your strengths, your talents.  Make a list and pin it up on a wall, read it every day.  Every time you hear your negative self-talk, slam that door shut and replace with positive self –talk.  Look in the mirror; stand tall, with your shoulders back, head high, look at you, and tell you  ‘I am unique, I am worthy and I am a good person’. The more positive you become the stronger you will become, the more you praise yourself, the more you will value yourself and the more motivated you will become.  When you love you, you will project this, and everyone else will see your worth too.

Step 3.  Take back control:

This doesn’t mean being passive or controlling your emotions to avoid confrontation. It means having a natural reflex that enables you to be the ‘greater person’ in tricky situations.  You see when you allow others’ to affect you; you are giving away your power to that person.  By believing in yourself and not allowing outside influences to affect you, you will hold on to your power, turn the other cheek and be the greater person.

Us human beings  are energy, we are one with the Universe.  When you feel good you generate good energy into the universe, when you concentrate on what you want you send ripples of positivity out into the universe and the universe will deliver.  Feel good, concentrate on what you want, dream big, believe in yourself and you will attract an abundant life.

 

 

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Are Your Thoughts Driving You Mad?

Thoughts and Thinking!

Your mind is forever on the go, you may be chatting, driving, busy working or playing, and whatever you are doing you will always be thinking. Even when in sleep, your mind is busy dreaming.  You can be in conversation with someone and your mind is racing away on other subjects, when you are listening to someone, you are mostly preparing your reply, even during meditation you have to keep pulling on the reins of your thoughts to ensure you quieten your mind.

If you consider that your thoughts pretty much run your life, then you come to realise the importance of your thoughts and thinking.

We all have different moods at different times, but where does a mood begin? You may think that if someone upsets you and you fall into a bad mood, that the perpetrator of the bad mood is that other person. Or if you are short of money then that is the reason for your bad mood, or if you are having relationship problems then that is the cause of the bad mood.

The truth is that it is the thoughts surrounding all of the above issues that are the cause of the mood, not the actual issue itself.   So your thoughts create your mood.  Powerful stuff!  

You see, if someone does or says something that you don’t like, there is nothing you can do about it.  You cannot undo it, what anyone else does or says is outside of your control.  However, you are in control of you and your thoughts, and you can change your thinking.  So the next time someone does or says something that you don’t like, ask yourself “Am I going to let this bother me or am I simply going to let this go”? You can either accept it and move on or fight it and let it take over, in which case you have lost your power.

This is the choice you have and only you can make.   If you choose not to ‘let it go’ then what happens? What happens is your self-talk runs riot, you get angry, you want revenge and you blow it all out of context until it starts to eat you up. The other person is not doing this, it is your thoughts doing this, and therefore you are doing this to yourself.

If you are short of money, you can either sit and worry about why this is happening to you or you can let these thoughts go and concentrate on fixing it, so instead ask yourself “How can I change this? “What do I need to do to improve this situation”? “What can I cut back on, how can I reduce my out-goings, and what can I do to prevent this happening again”? The difference here is replacing ‘why’ with ‘how’, so instead of thinking why is this happening to me, think now how can I fix this.

If you are in a relationship and your partner does or says something that upsets you, it can become much bigger than it need be depending on how you think about it. If you start to blow it up with your self-talk it can easily become a much bigger issue.  All the negative thoughts build up and you can go from feeling love to feeling hate, in a very short time. When you finally sit down and talk about it together you realise that actually it is not that big a problem, at all. 

I know people that have been late for work due to traffic and by the time they get to work they are in a bad mood and stay that way all day.  Did the traffic cause this mood? No, it was their thinking about the situation that caused the mood. You can get angry and impatient and build up a sweat due to traffic, but where does this get you? There is nothing you can do about it, therefore just accept that it is out of your control and just go with it. This way when you arrive at work you explain the problem for your lateness was out of your control and you put it behind you.

So you see, it is your thoughts that cause your moods. Over thinking and negative thoughts can sabotage your life, but only if you allow it.

The other day I was sitting in traffic, I was listening to music and looking around and not paying attention to the hold up, when I noticed a mother rushing along, pushing an empty pushchair, and holding her little toddler’s hand.  In fact she was pretty much pulling the child along.  I looked at the mothers face, and could see she was in a rush and looked rather stressed. I then looked at the child’s face, and this brought a smile to my face. Whilst being pulled along the little toddler was muttering away and totally oblivious to being pulled along by Mummy. She was as happy as anything just watching her little feet take step after step, you could almost see that she was feeling each foot hit the floor, then she reached out to touch a flower, whilst still being pulled along, then she looked across at a barking dog pointing and muttering and all the while her mother was still rushing her along. The child, like all young children, was totally in the moment, enjoying everything around her, she was happy, she didn`t care about yesterday or tomorrow.  Children live in the now and don’t have worrying thoughts about yesterday or tomorrow and that is why children do not have moods. 

Don`t worry or get upset about what is out of your control, don’t concern yourself with what may be and what has been.  You can’t stop thoughts coming into your head, but you can take control of those thoughts. Instead of allowing damaging negative thoughts to reduce you to unhappiness, depression, anxiety etc., simply take a step back, consider your mood and then consider the thoughts that created the mood and then either let those thoughts go and move on or replace those negative thoughts with  positive thoughts.

Even when something traumatic happens, a death of a loved one or you have a serious accident, it is your thinking that will result in how well you cope with the event.  Of course you will feel relevant emotions, but it is the self-talk that will either drag you down into a big black hole or help you to accept and in time move forward.

You are in control of your thoughts; your thoughts create your emotions.

Once you realise the power you hold within, no one will ever have power over you again!

 

 

Self Talk and The Power Within!

Self Talk and the Power Within.

As we go through our day we are constantly thinking about and interpreting the situations we find ourselves in. That voice in side our head seems to determine how we perceive every situation. In NLP we refer to this inner voice as our ‘Self – Talk’ this includes our conscious thoughts and our unconscious assumptions and beliefs.

Practical self-talk is essential and does not cause any problems. However it’s the negative self-talk that can take us down into a big black whole, these thoughts can be unrealistic or self-defeating, such as ‘I’m going to fail for sure’, or ‘I am useless at everything”.

If you are suffering depression or anxiety it is likely that you interpret things negatively. That’s why it’s very important to become aware of your self-talk, and to then realise that you have the power to change the way you feel by changing your self-talk.

When we are worried and concerned we are usually either thinking back to the past or projecting into the future. The past is gone, you can’t change it, so don’t dwell on it, regrets are a waste of energy. The future you can never ever know, so why waste all that time playing out scenarios that may never happen. The only true moment we have is ‘NOW’ and right now we have all the resources we need and we will act accordingly. This is why in an emergency people take action they don’t worry and procrastinate, they are in the NOW.

Once you realise just how much control you truly have you will be able to turn your life around, to overcome moments of doubt, fear and procrastination. You will no longer allow outside influences to have a detrimental effect on your wellbeing.

You can challenge and change your self-talk. You can change the negative aspects of your thinking by challenging the irrational parts and replacing with more reasonable thoughts.
It doesn’t happen overnight but with practice, you will learn to notice your own negative self-talk as it happens, and consciously choose to think about situations in a more realistic and positive way.

Whenever you find yourself feeling depressed, angry, anxious or upset, use this as your trigger to take a step back and become aware of your thoughts, what is it you are telling yourself over and over?

Sometimes we can over react to a situation; we can become irrational, and jump to the wrong conclusions. When this happens it is useful to test the accuracy of your perceptions. To do this, first see the situation associated, so through your own eyes. Then see it as the other person, dissociated and then as a fly on the wall. This will enable you to see if your interpretations are factual or if you are jumping to conclusions. Consider that had you been more positive, would you have perceived the situation differently. Also consider if there are any alternative ways to view the situation. Ask yourself ‘is it as bad as you think it is’? ‘Is there anything good about the situation’? ‘Will it really matter this time next week or in a couple of months’?

Because you feel anxious, depressed or stressed, your self-talk is likely to be extreme, and you are likely to focus on the most negative aspects of your situation. Step away and consider what your thoughts are achieving, consider if you have any control over the situation, and if so what can you do to help change it.

Remember there is no failure, only feedback, so think about what you have learned from this situation in order to ensure that next time, you do things differently.
By becoming aware of your thoughts and monitoring your self-talk, you are taking back control. This gives you the power to choose what you let in and how you deal with it. You choose your state, you control ‘you’ and no one will ever be able to take that away, unless you allow it.

Instead of “why” try “how”. So instead of “why did this happen to me” replace with “How can I change this”

You and only you have the power within to change your life!

Procrastination is just a Bad Habit!

We are all guilty of procrastination at times, we put things off because its a boring or difficult task and we have much more interesting enjoyable things to do.  However once procrastination becomes a part of your normal behaviour it can cause a negative impact on your life.

You start to put off important things like paying bills and end up paying penalty fees.  You put off revision and end up not completing your studies which then leads to not moving on in your career.  Sometimes fear of the unknown is the cause of procrastination, for instance, you hate your job but in order to apply for others you must update your CV.  You keep putting it off and every week moaning about your job but the perfect excuse keeps  popping up and allows you to remain in your safe haven.

Procrastination can also cause anxiety,  the more you keep putting the said task off the more anxious you become and soon you are even anxious when you are completing tasks that you enjoy.   Procrastinators also sabotage themselves with  their ‘self talk‘ , telling themselves “dam it, I am useless, if only I had got that completed sooner”  Why am I so slow, “Why cant I just get on with stuff “.

If you are concerned that your procrastination is a problem then it is time to do something about it.

Chronic procrastinators are not lazy people and nor do they lack good time management skills and nor were they born this way.   Procrastination is a habit and all habits can be overcome. We all have strategies for everything we do; our morning routine is our strategy for getting to work on time.  Once you define the strategy behind your procrastination you can then install a new strategy that gets the desired outcome.  A new strategy that works for you, that gets the job done and out of the way, once this is done you can praise yourself, tell yourself how brilliant you are and how organised you are.  This in turn will alleviate all the  anxiety surrounding your procrastination.

So how do you define the current strategy and install a new one?

Spend some time concentrating on the last time you procrastinated.

  • What was the first thought you had
  • What was your self talk telling you
  •  How did you feel
  • Where did you feel it (in your chest? in your stomach? in your head?)
  • What did you visualise
  • What did you hear

Go through every step and note everything down.  Once you recognize this as the pattern for your procrastination the next time the pattern begins you will be aware of every step.  You will no longer go through your normal  strategy at an unconscious level.

So if your first thought is “Can’t be bothered I’ll do it later”

Replace this with –

“I’ll do it now, get it out of the way and then I can relax”

If your self talk is “there is no rush I could do it tomorrow”

Replace this with

“If I do it now it will be another item off of my to do list”

Once you have replaced every step with a new step you now have your new strategy and all you need to do  is put in place.

Now every time a task appears your new strategy goes into play and pretty soon this will be undertaken at the same unconscious level as the old strategy.

So spend time understanding why you procrastinate and experiment with new strategies.  Remember your old strategy grew into a habit over time so don’t expect an instant change.   But slowly you can change the behaviour little by little and always praise yourself for your hard work!!!

You can do this!! J